my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
(850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
(904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
(850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald
:why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
:you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina
(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
(Thanks to morlockiness for linking to this brilliant site yesterday on comment_fic)